He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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