I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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