so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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