I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
