the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You are the jesus of drinking
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
