Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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