I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
