we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
