i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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