My liver just broke up with me...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
