Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
