I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Barsexuality is the new black.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
