I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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