I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
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That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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