He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
