No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
