Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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