I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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