Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
