Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
