i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
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Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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