you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
