If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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