Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
