He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
