i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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