Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
