Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
