Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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