Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
