tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
