I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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