I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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