I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
