I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
