i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
