so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
