I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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