i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
