I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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