I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
