the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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