I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
