I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
