Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
