i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
