so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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