did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
