If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
