I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Randomize
