you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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