i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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