How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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