I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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