Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
