my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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