I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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