I need help removing her.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
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Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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