yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
